Hey…yep, i’m still alive. It sure has been a while though, so i guess i should start with an apology. I really wish i could put it down to being busy and stuff, but i guess it really comes down to writers laze…it’s taken a while to really think of anything to write in here, which i guess it cos i’ve had other things running through my mind, but after a few people have told me that i need to start writing again, i finally re-found my motivation, and i guess i finally have something to say…
I’ve been doing a fair bit of thinking lately. Dangerous i know, but sometimes it has to be done, and i’ve realised i’m quite a hypocrite. A friend of mine is in the middle a breakup with his long term girlfriend, and he’s been talking to me about it a fair bit. I’ve been telling him that it’s gonna be hard to get through, especially with it being his first love and everything, but once you’ve decided what you truly want to do, it gets easier over time. I’m such a fraud…
It’s been almost four years since i had my heart broken by Nat, and truth be told i still dont think i’m over the whole process. Don’t get me wrong, i’m over her, it’s just the insecurity that it left me with that i’m not really over. I realised, after a conversation with a good friend of mine, that i dont think i’ve actually let any girl close enough to me to get to me since. Every girlfriend i’ve had since Nat, i’ve done the breaking up. Sure i’ve had excuses to offer to them and anyone who’s asked, but is it really me that’s the issue here? No one likes to have their heart broken, i appreciate that, but maybe i’m putting up barriers to stop it happening again and as a result, i’m also blocking anyone from getting in too. Am i actually going to be capable of being in a relationship for fear of getting shat on again?
I look at my friends, and i see how they’ve all got over shit that’s happened in the past, and i’m jealous, because for some reason, i’m just unable to let it go. It’s been four years for Christ sake, why am i dwelling on the shit stuff from the past when i have plenty to look forward to in the future? I need to give myself a stiff talking to, because unless i drop this stupid defence mechanism of mine, i’m never gonna be able to let anyone get close to me.
It’s been a strange couple of months, with some really good ups and some serious downs. I’m not gonna dwell on any of it, because frankly, i’ve talked about everything too much to people already, but things finally seem to be getting back onto an even keel. Uni’s going great, works not too bad [although i need to learn to shut up at times lol,] and even the bands going ok…i just hope that it’s a good Christmas this year, which i reckon it should be because lightie’s managed to blag it off, so i’ll have all the bezzies around again this year.
Hmm, i’m not finding it as strange to get back into this as i thought i might. I let my self get out of the habit of writing and that’s not a good thing. Still, at least it’ll shut jay up now from him bitching at me about writing something new haha [there ya go Jay, starring role in my blog lol...]
Anywho, i think i’ve had about just enough self pity for one night, so i’m gonna cut this off now. Hopefully, this’ll be the first of many new blogs to came.
Remember, be excellent to each other!
x
Filed under: diary
